It started as a whirl wind romance at the tender age of fourteen. He was tall and handsome. He always had the right words to say just when they needed to say. I fell in love almost right away. We laughed together, we cried together, and we shared everything. I was a foster child living in a shelter, I needed love, I craved it and he provided it to me or so I thought. Before long he had me side by side running and selling drugs. Eventually at 16 we got caught. After everything this boy had done for me, I couldn't let him go to jail. I took the blame and was sent to a rehab. While I was in rehab he left me. Seventeen years old and to frail for my own good. I got out of the rehab and changed myself for the better. We no longer spoke, I grew, I moved on chalking it up to life and puppy love. Fast forward seven years, a broken marriage and a daughter.. Our paths crossed again. I felt all those feelings swirling back. We began another whirl wind romance full of joy and what I thought was love. We moved in together and it began. He grew upset with me because I had said something. He ran to our room and begin throwing mine and my daughters stuff out of the window. I begged him to stop. He spun around and threw me to the ground, my daughters metal doll stroller striking me in my stomach. I was in pure shock. I drug myself into the closet and curled up into a ball, tears pouring down my face unable to speak. He climbed into the closet and sat and cried with me, begging for forgiveness and empty promises spewed out of his mouth "I'll never do that again. I believed him, My first mistake. A day later I begain having severe stomach pain and was taken to the er where they discovered I was having a miscarraige... more then likely due to the trauma I had suffered the day before. Distraught and in pain I left the hospital still in tears.The abuse took off from there. I lost another child due to it. He made me get rid of all my friends, I could no longer speak to my family. He distroyed most of my personal property, one item at a time. Threatening different acts of physical violence with each broken item.I was forced into giving into his desires. He kept me from woring, then yelled at me for being "lazy". He took all my child support money each month for my daughter. He woke her up in the middle of the night just to tell my 3 yr old her mother was a bitch and a whore.. not to mention he was no longer her father. I remember many night holding my daughter rocking her in my arms trying to calm her fears as he ran rampant in the house. I made the mistake of getting pregnant by him once again. He wanted a baby at any cost even if I didn't. At 3 months along he attacked me again. This time i atempted to save myself and grabbed a knife. Big mistake, he took it from me cutting his hand and placing the knife to my throat. I refused to give into him this time and told him to do it if he was going to do it, save me the time and send me on my way, anything would be better then this life. He let me go. called the police and I WAS ARESSTED. needless to say the charges were dropped and i was free after 24 hours. I left him after that. I had enough of him or so i thought.3 months later i returned to him. Things of course started out fine. In september of this year we welcomed our son. The child i didnt want became my world the moment i laid eyes on him. Needless to say it wasn't the same for my abuser. We returned home and even before i could recover from the birth of my beautiful little boy the abuse came swinging in like a hurricane hitting me directly in the face. The tourture, the name calling, the beatings, the fear! The last time he ever put his hands on me he attacked me while i was holding my then 2 month old son. I HAD ENOUGH for sure this time. he left me for about a week after the last beating. He left me and the 2 kids alone with no food, no formula nor diapers, and he stole the last 100 bucks i had to my name. He went to a party a few towns away and blew all my money. I had to beg his parents for the items I needed. Of course they blamed me for his leaving and his beating on me and still to this day do. I waited quietly while I arranged everything. I had a yard sale while he was at work and sold everything I had and left what i couldn't sell down to my now 4 month old son's crib. I loaded my car with what would fit and I left town the kids in tow.I took refuge in my ex husbands house ( whos deployed to Afgainistan for the next 8 months), I got a restraining order on my ex and I still live a nightmare everyday. I don't sleep at night thinking about the abuse and the rape, the tourture of my daughter and what could have happened if he had hurt my son that last day. Its only been about 2 months since I have been some what free of him. I still have no crib, i have only a few cloths to my name. I have no job, i cant afford daycare even if i work, I wonder every day if my kids will eat or if I can afford to buy toliet paper as horrid as that sounds. i feel hope radiating around me through all the struggles. I remind myself everyday, that things could be worse, I could be dead which is where everything was leading to. I know I did the best thing for me and more importiantly my children. Everyone tells you the hardest part is leaving, in my case the hardest part is moving on,facing the world with the scars still visiable for everyone to see.
Silence is Not golden SPEAK OUT, BE HEARD end the Silence on Domestic Violence
Copyright © 2011 Monica-Steele Taylor
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